Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Your topless pictures make me question reality
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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