She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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