remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
