It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I want her autograph on my taint
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Randomize
