just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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