Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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