He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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