I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
