We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
