he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
