Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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