Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Randomize
