two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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