bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
