I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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