my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
