if i can run in heels then i can drive
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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