a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
