i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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