Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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