You're a womanizer and a bitch.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
