I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
