Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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