Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Vodka?
Forever.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Randomize
