I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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