dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
