Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
