found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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