I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
