So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
