I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
