someone owes me an orgasm
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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