8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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