I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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