His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
