Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
