I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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