Got a toothbrush?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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