I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
