Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
