You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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