Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
