Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
