Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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