I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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