I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
