Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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