Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize