oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I faked an abortion last night.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Your penis caused this!
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
