Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
