we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
