I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
